(T)MMR: Unraveling Life's Mysteries

Life has many many mysteries. Too many to count, even. And I can count pretty darned high. I know, that's a lot! Many of these mysteries are unraveled as a wee small lad: how to talk, how to walk, how to enjoy boobies...you know, important things. As we grow up, we learn more about the world, and unravel more of life's mysteries. Like that time when you were 12 or so and it's early in the morning and you roll over and feel a sharp pain in your nether regions. Welcome to morning wood, son! And, of course, there are mysteries that will never, ever be unraveled, like why women do not have rational brains, and why you cannot reason with them, ever.

But I didn't come here to talk about boobies, morning wood, or irrational women. Nonono, those things are silly compared with the mystery I intend to unravel today. Today, I want to talk about an anomaly that is pissing me off even as I type this. I'd like to call it the sunny-cold mystery.

UGH! IT'S SO COLD OUTSIDE, BUT IT'S SUNNY, HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN???

Well, let's look at it. First, it makes no sense. The sun warms the air. The sun's distance from us varies by the season, because of Earth's tilt. Right now it's still Winter, so its a little further away than we'd like it to be. But still, its a bright, sunny day, with minimal breeze. And it's cold as balls out right now. Weather.com says its 46 outside. At 10:30 on a sunny day. This is outrageous.

But Pat, it's winter, this shit happens! Aha! I caught you being smarmy...thinking you know more than ol' Q here. But no, I've already thought about this! My brain works much faster than normal humans (another mystery for another day), so I've contemplated this and found a gaping hole in your theory. The shortest day of the year is the Winter Solstace, which is in December or something. And ever since then the sun has been getting closer to us as we rotate around it. Back in January, we were having 70-75 degree days. And the sun was further away than it is now. EXPLAIN THAT, SMARTASS!

So, back to today, it's cold outside. I walked out to my car this morning, and my balls retreated back up inside of me. I'm still waiting for the left one to drop, but that's not the point. The point is that it's cold, and it's sunny. And the sun isn't making it any warmer. But on Sunday it's supposed to be 70 again. What will have changed?

I'll tell you what will have changed...air masses. Right now we have super cooled air floating down to us from Alaska...you know, where its super cold. According to weather.com its 23 and snowing in Anchorage right now. And that same air that is snowing on Alaska and Sarah Palin and her hot daughters right now is also over us. But this air mass is going to move to the east, and taking its place will be a ridge of high pressure coming up from the south, and places like Cozumel. In Cozumel, its 79 degrees right now. Which is nice. All this air moving around has something to do with some jet stream or something...breaking up the air from the North and the air from the South...and here I thought the Civil War was over.

Anyways, this mystery is now solved. The sun, in all actuality, is very weak. It does not possess the extreme power of, say, a space heater, which can keep me warm when its like 30 degrees at night (which is a ridiculous temperature, if you ask me). It can only make minor changes between night and day. But the air masses rule the earth. We should probably watch out for them. I wonder if they're getting a bailout too. And, for that matter, where the hell is my bailout? I guess that's another mystery for another day.

Consider yourselves wiser...sorta.