Midnight Musings

Halloween is approaching. I am going to dress up as Three Hole Punch Jim. Either you get the reference or you don't. Look it up!

I've been a wee bit off lately. I think I don't hide it real well either, since everyone I talk to seems to ask if I'm ok. Which, I dunno how to really respond to that. I'm not like depressed or anything, or upset about anything. But I am really really bored. And, just, off. I can't explain it. Everything I do is a little off. When shooting empty water bottles into the garbage can, I'm either a little short or a little left (I'm usually spot on...its not that far away). When typing on the interweb, typoes have been rather more frequent lately...always one letter off on the keyboard. I've also started caring about things I didn't care about before. Like, all of a sudden I'm starting to contemplate what people think of me, and how I'm perceived in the outside world. Not physically, but just as a person, and my personality. I never used to care. It's part of what's kept me sane all these years. If you don't care what other people think, you can just be yourself and enjoy being yourself. If you start worrying about it, then you start trying to change yourself, and I don't want to change myself that much. I don't even know if I need to change...the weird part is that I've been considering it, and I never used to in the past.

Finally, and here's the kicker, I never ever used to have a problem entertaining myself. Ever. There was always something I could find to do to entertain me when I was bored. And now, I dunno, nothing seems worthwhile anymore. I haven't been watching movies. I haven't been playing my Wii. Surfing the web has become monotonous and boring. There's no park near me that I know of where I can go just swing on the swings and climb around in the middle of the night. I don't seem to know enough people in the area to be able to call them up and do something with them, and besides, everyone seems to be in a relationship right now, and I'm really really tired of being a third wheel. And, I guess the main thing is I don't have someone around here that I can just drop in on and b.s. with for a while. The best part of living with Kent and James back in 2802 (and Dan too, for that matter) is that whenever I was bored, I could always go find one of them and just bullshit for a while. I don't have that around here. I have to track people down on the phone, and I have a horrible track record of getting people to answer the phone or call me back. Sometimes I just need a sounding board, and someone who, well, honestly, knows me well enough to know where I'm coming from when I say things and can converse intelligently with me about it. Bubs is the closest I have to this, but its not the same over the phone, and he's got other shit on his plate. He can't sit around at midnight bsing with me on the phone (even though he does from time to time)...he goes into work hella early in the morning. I can b.s with Jason a little bit, but he has to go to bed early, and the girlfriend is around quite frequently. Don't get me wrong, I really like Crystal, she's pretty ok in my book, but there's just some things that don't work as well when you are the third wheel and trying to just talk. It doesn't work that well. And it's nothing he can help, but it still leaves me sitting here, at 2am, with my brain bouncing around all these thoughts that I really can't make sense of without talking them out and getting some feedback.

Ugh, I need to learn to work out my own problems. I think I'm a lot like House (best show on tv not called The Office). He solves his medical mysteries by bouncing ideas off his team and his coworkers and his friends. He's brilliant, but he needs the sounding board and the feedback to come to his conclusions. I think I'm a little like that, except I'm not saving people's lives, I'm just not sleeping. Sadly, I'm not particularly that complex, I just can't get my brain under control from time to time. And when it starts going a mile a minute, I need someone to help me slow it down by talking out it's thinking fuel.

I think I just need something new in my life. Something to come in and just shake up my foundation! Something different from the norm. Or at least someone to hang out with during the week.

...or maybe I need a little pet monkey...who wears a fedora. Word.