MMR: Q's Handy Dandy Election Guide

Everyone seems to be pretty worked up over this election. I've also noticed that a majority of people will get worked up without actually understanding the issues, and just vote how the media tells them to. They'll be swayed by retarded ads and whatever Oprah says (she is a political expert, I know). So, in my feeble attempt to reach out to these idiots who vote how others tell them to, I present to you this guide as to how you should vote on election day.

Presidency: Barack Obama wants us to take the entire day off work to help make history. THE ENTIRE DAY! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BIGGEST ECONOMIC DOWNTURN IN THE LAST 20 YEARS! Awesome! Sounds like good planning. I wonder if my company will understand if I tell them they should pay me on Tuesday to not come to work. That's what an Obama presidency will bring everyone, though, right? McCain, on the other hand, thinks you shouldn't vote for the commie socialist. Remember, when he was in Vietnam as a POW, he didn't take any shit from those damn socialists...AND HE'S NOT ABOUT TO START NOW! HE'S JOHN FUCKING MCCAIN! HE'LL GUT ANYONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE AMERICA AS MUCH AS HIM!

Damn, tough choice. But I work and like to keep my money, so I'll side with JFM.

Proposition 1: Who here even knows what this proposition is? Oh yeah, it got cancelled and replaced with Proposition 1A. Prop 1 was called the "HIGH SPEED RAIL BONDS. LEGISLATIVE INITIATIVE AMENDMENT," while Prop 1A is now called the "SAFE, RELIABLE HIGH-SPEED PASSENGER TRAIN BOND ACT." Much more friendly! Basically, the state is in debt, but they want bullet trains. So they want to spend 10 billion dollars in bonds to make us some trains to get us between SF and LA in like 2 hours, and then we can pay them off over the next 30 years! Our state legislature can't even compromise on a budget, now we want to add something else into it? Does this sound retarded to anyone else? But, I would be able to make quick day trips to LA whenever I wanted to. I'll vote no, but only because no one will use it besides me.

Proposition 2: This proposition is to give our food better homes. No, seriously, they want to mandate that our dinner can stretch its limbs out and turn around in a full circle. I couldn't make this shit up. Unless this is going to make my dinner taste better: No. Next.

Proposition 3: Don't know what it is. Let's move on.

Proposition 4: Notification of parents before a minor gets an abortion. Wait, let me get this straight, we need a law to mandate that, before a medical procedure, you have to tell the parents? I thought you already had to notify parents if a minor was getting a medical procedure? Why is an abortion any different? But what if they're in an abusive household? Oh, wait, they covered that too. If they can prove it, then the requirement can be waived. Sounds pretty straight forward to me, although I don't think this should really be a proposition issue. Doctors should be telling parents what they are doing to their children already.

Proposition 5: Expand drug treatment programs and get the nonviolent criminals out of jail. The no supporters want us to believe that this program will endanger everyone because dangerous criminals will be back on the streets. The yes people want to convince us that the prison guards like overcrowded prisons because they make hella bank on overtime. Um, really? You're going after the prison guards for working hard to keep criminals at bay? Sorry, that commercial annoyed me. I'll vote no.

Proposition 6: Gives money to cops and DAs and sheriffs and such. Can I really vote against this without looking like a complete ass? Yes I can, because our general fund is effing empty. We can't afford to pull from it anymore.

Proposition 7: Mandates, MANDATES, that 50% of our power comes from renewable energy by 2025. That's a HUGE shift. It would cost billions upon billions to implement. And, by renewables, they mean solar and wind, not nuclear, which is the only thing that could make it work. This is the most retarded proposition I've ever seen. Ever. If it passes, I'll have lost complete faith in humanity, and will use it as justification for requiring competency exams to vote in elections when I come to power. Ugh.

Proposition 8: If I vote yes, I'm an evil bigot. If I vote no, I hate families and kids. Shit. But what if I'm an evil bigot who ALSO hates families and kids? I mean, what do I vote then. The yes people told me that if I don't pass this prop, then my kids will have gay marriage forced upon them at school. But the no people told me that the yes people are lying. And then the yes people told me that the no people are full of crap. And then the mormons told me to vote yes. And they seem pretty in tune with what God would want me to do. But what if they're wrong, and God actually wants gay people to marry? And what if I've spent all election season debating both sides of this issue just to piss people off? Fuck it, who cares, I'll flip a coin when I get to the booth.

Proposition 9: Holy shit we have a lotta propositions. I think this is the one where they'll keep me informed if a criminal who I put in jail for trying to kill me is getting out on parole. That's nice. I'd like to know if I have to go back into hiding.

Proposition 10: This one is more bonds! These bonds will help me buy a hybrid car and also provide money to research solar technology! Awesome! Hybrids and solar technonogy are so in right now! And, you know how I always want to be one of the cool kids. I feel like such an outsider without a Pruis w/ Obama Sticker. I wonder if the Obama sticker comes for free with the Prius or not. And if the hippies really want to buy it for me, all the better, right? Ugh...

Proposition 11: This proposition comes up all the friggin time. Take redistricting out of the hands of the politicians and put it into someone else's hands. Apparently this will make it easier to vote people out of office. I'd rather our politicians had some stability, since learning the ins and outs of running a government takes some time. Sadly, most of the people we vote in are idiots who will never learn how to govern. I'm torn.

Proposition 12: Helps veterens buy homes. More bonds. But the veterens should have homes. Wait, so should I. Can I get some money to get a home too? I can? Really? Oh, I have to go fight in a war? Never mind.


So, that's about it. Remember to vote tomorrow. And remember that most propositions in California are complete crap. If you don't know what your are voting for, vote no. Don't make me spend more money on taxes and crap because you were too lazy to actually read into how much these propositions were going to cost us.

Ciao!