I can't sleep...

and I don't know why. I fear I'm going back to the whole "can't shut the brain" off periods I go through from time to time. At night its all quiet, and I have nothing to do but lie there in bed worrying about things...

I worry about doing well in school. I mean, i feel I'm doing well, and I'm taking the steps to keep up with my classes and all, but I still worry. The classes i signed up for this quarter presented me with a little more work than I had intended. But, I'll survive. Last time I stayed up worrying about school, there was reason. And I was kicked out. This time, I'm not doing poorly (well, I assume I'm not, I haven't actually gotten anything back yet), so I really shouldn't be worrying, but sometimes I do.

Moreso, I worry about what I'm going to do with my life once I finally finish school. I'm not that far off from graduation. I might get out in four years...no longer than 4 years 1 quarter. That's really soon since I'm at the end of my third year. After that I dunno what I'm gonna do. I mean, I'll have to get a real job, and start working in the real world...but I don't have a career in mind or anything. I changed out of Atmospheric Science because the work was too hard and it wasn't interesting to me (i really didn't care to learn the science behind the weather, it was more of a fascination). So, I move on to Political Science, because politics interests me. But, going into politics doesn't really interest me. I don't want to be a politician, and I don't want to be a politician's grunt. I wouldn't mind going into sports writing, but I'd need outside experience before anyone would hire me. And, I dunno. I'm sure I'll figure out where I am headed, I'm just starting to see the end of the college road and there's nothing past it. That scares me.

I also hate having to go to an online blog or like outlets to get this off my chest. I don't really have anyone I can go to to talk about this stuff. I miss the days of high school. When I was at home, I could talk to Matt, Nate, Gordon, Tony, or Sean. Depending on what was bugging me, I would go to someone different. I really miss my convos with Sean. He helped me out with a lot of my issues and was a really good guy to talk to. It's a bit harder when he's in Santa Cruz and I'm in Davis. I just miss that dude.

I did realize that I no longer loathe kids recently. I'm actually kind of fond of them and think I am pretty good with them. I could see myself as a father someday, and that is a big step for me. I've realized that most kids are monsters because their parents refuse to parent them. They rely on schools and television to raise their kids and don't hold their kids accountable for anything. Of course they're going to be monsters if they're allowed to get away with anything. I guess I've always liked kids...I've worked with them enough that I realize that I can handle them and it wont be so bad to have some kiddies of my own someday.

I worry about money, especially since my job hasn't kicked in full stride yet b/c training is going slow. It's amazing how fast 200 bucks disappear. But I was starving at the end of last month, and needed to pay off part of the credit card (yeah, a few of you know whats up there). I'm gonna have to ask my dad for a few extra bucks for utils later in the month...and hopefully live on one meal of pasta a day for the rest of may (if im lucky to get that much)...I'll try to make it work tho :-/

I get to go to Yosemite next weekend, that should be fun. ANd I'll get to spend a full weekend with my parents. That will be nice. I wish I got to go home this summer, but it doesnt look like that will be a posibility at this point. I'll just make sure to go home more than once every other month like I have been.

Man, I got really really drunk last night. Now, don't get me wrong, I still didn't puke or have much of a hangover (I usually sleep through any "hangover" periods and feel perfectly fine when I wake up). But I was really really gone last night. I hadn;t drank like that in months. And I don't plan to for a while either. I'm perfectly fine getting tipsy occasionally without getting drunk.

I need a purpose in life. Not like a goal, b/c I have a few of those (get good grades to graduate, finish traffic school, get trained so I can drive busses in service). I need an overall purpose, something to live for. Now, I'm not saying this in terms of I don't feel like living, b/c I do. I enjoy parts of my life. And I'm not contemplating anything else. I just feel adrift. I feel like I need something in my life that gets me up in the morning every single day. I don't feel like I'm wording this right. OK, I feel like I'm just going through the motions of my life. I get up, I go to school, I do my training when we are scheduled, I study for midterms and write papers, I do traffic school, I eat when I can afford to...I do all these things because I know I need to. I go to softball games and I watch my favorite TV shows...these few things keep me sane and allow me some outlet. But it all feels like I'm going through the motions of everyday life. I need a driving force in my life. I dunno what, or even how to explain this, but I know I need something...something's missing...gah! it's frusterating to not be able to spell out what's wrong.

My neck's been bothering me lately too. It's been popping a ton, and gets sore and stiff a lot. Maybe I shoudl go see someone about that...but I'd rather it just went away.

Finally, I wish I wasn't so damn shy. I'm ok at being friendly with people, and I'm getting better at making friends with people I've never met before...but I'm still terrified of showing interest in girls beyond a friendship level. It's not that I don't want to, its just that I don't know what I'm doing and can't make myself do it. Maybe that's because all the girls I know here are my friends and all the girls I don't know I'm too shy to go talk to...but I really wish I wasn't so shy all the damn time. Of course, I think I feel even more shy when juxtaposed to Kent, who is seriously the most outgoing person I know. He's been able to get me out of my shell a little bit, but I definately look like a hermit compared to him. Damn me and my shyness!!!!!!!!


ok, I've written more than enough (and more than I thought I would...I guess I had a lot on my mind). I really need to sleep...hopefully now I will be able to.

Song of the night: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day (its the one playing right now)