Q's News Feed

Today I will bring you a few news stories I found noteworthy, provide you a link to them, a brief synopsis, and some biting analysis. I'm sure it will be thrilling.

1. Last two Billy Mays commercials to air!

Yes, that's right! When Billy Mays tragically passed away, he had two commercials in the can, waiting to be released. Luckily for us, the family has ok'd releasing these commercials, so Billy Mays' booming voice and unrelenting enthusiasm will be with us for a short while more. And, rumor has it, in one of them he dons SCUBA gear to show off his product's amazingness. I'm pretty sure this will be a sight to behold...so be on the lookout for them. RIP Mr. Mays. Your infomercials were always the classiest!

2. Tom Brady is still a huge douche.

No surprise there, but he may have sunk even lower. As the story goes, Tom Brady left some rather expensive flower pots just lying around behind his condo next to the trash. Thinking they were trash, a transient picked them up and sold them. Unfortunately, Tom Brady had security cameras trained on the trash and this was all a set up. So, with malice in his heart, he had the police arrest this poor man, who thought he was just making use of someone's trash to get a little coin for his pocket...and he's making him pay him back 4 grand. Seriously. Tom Brady makes like 8 million dollars a year. His supermodel wife makes like 35 million a year. This guy has to panhandle to try to make this 4 grand Brady is making him pay. Does something seem a bit off, here? I dunno, maybe I'm missing the point. 4 grand. 40 million. 4 grand. Hmmmm. Tom Brady proves once again that he is a giant douchebag. Not that we needed convincing.

3. Don't Date Psycho Chicks

Apparently McNair was killed in a murder-suicide by the 20 year old he was cheating on his wife with. But she did it because he may have been cheating on her with another young lady in the Nashville area, and also wasn't divorcing his wife to come be with her. Like, I dunno what was said by McNair during courtship, but if you are the "other girl" to someone's marriage, you have to have some idea that, well, they're married. And since they are married, well, they may not stick with you forever? Love is a funny thing. I'm not sure I understand the whole Romeo and Juliet thing where you love someone so much you kill the both of you to be together in death? That seems to be taking a huge leap of faith that 1) there's an afterlife; and 2) if you meet up in the afterlife, they won't be hella pissed that you killed them and will still wanna hang out with you for eternity. I know if I was killed by a gf or wife or whatever, and they found me in the afterlife, I'd be pissed and petition to get them moved to Hell and away from me. Who knows. Just more proof that I shouldn't date crazies.

4. Mysterious Tremors found on San Andreas Fault Line!!!

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!

5. An Ugly Man's Chance to Get Hot Chicks...

According to a study done by some really ugly dude, ugly guys are much more fertile than good looking guys. Now, this won't help the ugly in college, where a study like this is just going to make hot chicks want hot guys even more (who wants to be preggers in college...what a drag). But when that biological clock is a ticking, that'll be the ugly man's time to shine! I can see it now at the 30s singles bars: "hey baby, I'm more fertile than a good looking man, wanna make babies?" Sexy! I dunno what this does for average looking joes like myself. Probably nothing. Still an amusing study. I think they do studies on everything these days.

6. People Hurt and Killed while Running With Bulls.

I'm not sure how this is even news. People...who were RUNNING WITH CHARGING BULLS...were injured and one was even killed. REALLY??? YOU THINK??? Running with charging bulls really doesn't seem like that bright an idea. You can get gored, and trampled...the bulls don't give a shit. They're just hella pissed. I think the real news story will be when there's people running with bulls and NO ONE gets even a scratch on them. I can see it now: "No One Hurt at Running of the Bulls in Pampalona. Spectators Disappointed." Now that's a news story!


I think that's enough for today. Now that I have you all caught up on what's happening in the world, you can go out and impress your friends with your worldly knowledge! What? I didn't add in any important stories??? Screw you! Tom Brady being a douche is very important to get out there. And everyone wants to see more Billy Mays! These are the important things in life...not Obama-the-Spender, or the price of oil, or the latest government shenanigans. Those things are boring.