(T)MMR: Attempting to put my thoughts into words

Yesterday I got hit with a bombshell that I'm still struggling to comprehend. My best friend's father killed himself early Monday morning. When he told me this, I was shocked. I had just seen DPG on Saturday. He didn't look or sound any different than normal. How could this be? I won't get into the details, as they are not mine to get into. But, I will say that he left a note and had been planning it for a while.

Anyways, while I knew DPG, I did not know him very well. I'm friends with his son, not necessarily him. I'd met and talked to him plenty, but that was about it. However, DPG was always spoken about with a sort of reverence. Bubs and I always commented on how we were awesome because we had awesome dads who were both known by their initials (DPG and BQ). Bubs sometimes bitched about working under him (he'd get into his DPG moods), but no matter what, always thought of his dad as one of the coolest guys he knew.

DPG had some health problems through the years. A few heart attacks. I guess he had some brain tumors removed back before I knew him. Issues with his eyes, head, heart...but he always seemed to bounce back, at least in my eyes. I can't speak anywhere near authoritatively about this. However, the DPG I knew was a funny son of a bitch. His crude brand of humor meshed very well with my sometimes warped view of what's acceptable and funny. He was always good for a few jokes. I'll definately miss that.

Mostly, in all of this, I feel just awful for Bubs. Him and his dad were very very close. Hell, they had been working together in the same office for years. They saw each other almost every day. I already commented on how glowingly Bubs always talked about his dad. They were closer than most fathers and sons, especially since Bubba's divorce, as they really felt like they had each other. Last night Bubs commented to me "I have people around me out the woodwork, but I feel so alone." Unfortunately, this is a void that can never be filled. The wounds can be healed over time, but the void of losing a father can never be replaced.

And this is what's been eating at me the most. As soon as Bubs told me about his dad yesterday afternoon, the only thing I could think about was jumping in the car and driving to Williams immediately. But I couldn't. We're having a QA audit at the office this week, and I'm an integral part of making sure it runs smoothly. I have to be here. And, once I calmed down and put my amazing rational brain to work again, I realize that there's nothing I can really do. I'm equally useless here in Campbell as I would be up there in Williams. Only in Williams I may just get in the way. He's going to need me more in a few days anyways, one the shock wears off and there's nothing more to do to deal with the situation. Those will be the toughest times. Once all the people go back to their lives, and Bubs is left to run a company on his own that he once ran with his father. Those times will be just as tough.

It irritates me that someone as seemingly level headed as DPG would think this was the best option. To me, suicide is the selfish, easy way out. You don't have to deal with any consequences, and everyone you loved does. It's a pussy way out, but DPG was no pussy. He was a tough tough man. And this scares me. I don't know why, though.

And I really wish there was something I could do for Bubba, to help out in some way. Sadly, there is not, and it pains me more than anything to see my best friend have to go through something like this, and to not have any way to help.

I guess all I can say is that I'm here for you, brother. And you know where to find me if you need anything at all.