The Helsinki Episode of 1919

"Let me tell you, a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all remember how THAT turned out!" ~Cotton McKnight

Ahhhh, the Helsinki episode. That takes me back. You see, in a previous life, I was not Patrick Quinn, but a very famous dodgeball player by the name of Whitten McManis.

Whitten McManis played for the Irish national team, which had made it into the Dodgeball Championship Tournament by way of winning the European tournament over a very strong, and favored, German team, led by David Hasselhoff's grandfather. But Whitten McManis, against all odds, led the Irish team to victory. It was in this match where Whitten gained his fame, as he was the last man standing against the entire German team. The ref, also German, was allowing Germany to play with 7 men on their side, instead of the requisite 5. Incredibly, and against insurmountable odds, McManis picked off the entire German team, one at a time. He did not catch a single ball, but instead used his very strong arm and pinpoint accuracy to eliminate all 7 players, and three more that had snuck back onto the court.

After this, McManis's legend grew. Before long, those telling the stories around Europe said he had eliminated 20 Germans, and every single one died from blunt force trauma due to getting hit by the thrown dodgeball. Obviously, that was a little far fetched, but needless to say, upon his arrival in Helsinki for the Dodgeball World Championships, he was a feared man.

In their first match, the Irish team defeated a local qualifying team from Helsinki. McManis did not eliminate a single player, preferring instead to use his reputation to create openings for his teammates to get the eliminations. He would grab a ball, target a player, and pretend to be lining them up for a throw. The player being targeted would grab a ball of their own, and try to hide behind it while facing Whitten. At this point, another Irish team player would eliminate him with a throw from the other side of the court. This trend continued into round 2, and again into the quarterfinals. After three victories, no Irish player had been eliminated from any match, and McManis had no eliminations. Word around the Championships was that McManis's performance in the Euro Champs was either a) a fluke, or b) completely made up. Which is exactly what Whitten wanted people to believe.

The semifinals faced the Irish team against the very strong American National Team. The Americans had three players who all had rocket arms, and two who had an amazing ability to catch any ball thrown. In a pregame press conference, American player Joe Quentin proclaimed "I can catch any ball thrown at me. Whitten McManis doesn't scare me. If he tries to eliminate me, I will catch it, and the Irish team will be doomed." McManis, when asked for comment on this quote, replied with a simple "we'll see."

This quote, however, was not forgotten. In the Irish team's locker room before the game, Whitten wrote Joe's quote on a piece of paper and posted it on the bulletin board. Thus, "bulletin board material" was created, but that's not the point. The point is that the Irish team would not forget these words, and they became motivation. At the opening whistle, the Irish team won the sprint for the 5 balls, all 5 balls, and immediately pelted one of the American snipers with all 5 balls simultaneously. Joe was out. Knocked out completely. A time out had to be called while he was loaded onto the stretcher and carted away. The American team looked terrified, and all looked towards Whitten to see what would happen next. McManis just simply walked back to the wall for the restart, not saying a word.

The route was on, though. The Irish would dodge all throws until they had possession of all 5 balls, at which point the Americans would cower in fear of being obliterated, and would be elimitanted. It was a massacre. Finally, it was all 5 Irishmen against Joe Quentin. McManis told his teammates to stand back against the back wall. This was his time. Whitten lined up for his throw, wound up, and delivered a strike right to the chest of Quentin. The force was so much that Quentin was literally knocked off his feet and flew backwards into the back wall, with the ball bouncing all the way back to the Irish side. Victory.

The Irish were so happy at making the finals, that they did not watch the other Semi final game. As a matter of fact, the Irish team had no knowledge of the team who was steamrolling through the other half of the bracket. The Russian team had a player named Slava Koslov, a player as scary as he was lethal. In the semifinal match, Koslov jumped over a teammate to catch a ball while at the same time throwing a strike to the head of another opponent with phenominal heat and accuracy. Koslov was, by far, the best dodgeball player in the world, only he had been hidden in Russia for years, the Russians not wanting to let the rest of the world know about their secret weapon yet.

The Russia v. Ireland dodgeball championship match was billed as the Greatest Dodgeball Matchup of All Time. Hyperbole, to be sure, but at the time, they were correct. This matchup was huge. Two big time teams with rabid fanbases. Two all star calibur players. $5,000 and the World Championship trophy hanging in the balance. Could McManis and the Irish team come out on top over the heavily favored Koslov and the Russians? The entire world tuned in for this match, and they were not disappointed.

At the opening whistle, the players ran and the balls were divided, the Russians grabbed 3, the Irish grabbed 2. From there, the cat and mouse game started. The Irish waited for one of the Russians to throw a ball, then the Russians would wait for an Irishman to throw the ball. The rest of the balls were being used in defense, no team wanting to be too aggressive and go down early. After 15 minutes of back and forth action, the Irish finally broke through, eliminating a Russian catcher. However, this elimination ended up being a curse, as the Irish started being less careful and went for the kill. Koslov had been waiting for this, and eliminated three Irishmen on three consecutive throws. Down 4 people to 2, McManis knew he had to step up. Using his teammate holding a ball for cover, McManis charged the line, eliminating one player. His shield gave up his ball to McManis, who eliminated a player just as that player was eliminating Whitten's human shield. McManis was now alone on the court against two Russians, one of whom was Koslov.

In what can only be described as a miracle, McManis was able to avoid elimination by jumping forward, turning his body horizontal, and twisting in mid air as both Russians threw balls at him, one going high and one going low. McManis landed on the ground next to a dodgeball, rolled over, and from his back, fired a perfect shot straight at Koslov, who narrowly avoided elimination by ducking and allowing his teammate to take the ball right in the face. Seeing McManis on teh ground, Koslov charged to make the final elimination, firing a ball directly at McManis. However, at the exact same time, McManis was rolling over to throw another ball at Koslov. Both player, surprised by the incoming shots, were hit simultaneously. Double-fault double-elimination!

Both sides erupted. The Russians claimed that McManis was hit first, the Irish claimed that Koslov was hit first. Then, in a twist that no one saw coming, the German team stormed the court, saying that since both players were eliminated, neither should be champion, and that as the reigning champion, they should keep the title another year. In the fray, the referee got punched in the face, although even to this day no one knows who did it. A brawl ensued, and three Irish players, two Russians, and 4 Germans were all taken to the hospital for various injuries. Three were pronounced dead on arrival. Two never walked again.

Hoping to restore order to this chaotic scene, the Dodgeball chancellor came out to make an official ruling. On the spot, he drafted Continuation rule 114-D. In the case of a final play where both sides are eliminated simultaneously, the match would go into sudden death. Both players would have one ball, their feet would have to remain in a triangle in the middle of their side. No catches. The first player eliminated by being struck by a ball would lose. Koslov and McManis took their positions and grabbed their ball of choice. Game on!

The whistle sounded and no one moved. The crowd gasped with anticipation. Then, as if they were reading one another's minds, both players wound up and threw their best fastballs at one another. The balls collided in mid air, and the force of the collision exploded the dodgeballs, and send three children in the stands to the hospital with inner ear trauma. New balls were given to the combatants, and, both trying to get the jump on the other, threw simultaneously again, this time hitting one another at the same time once again. Round three of sudden death brought around two misses. Rounds 4, 5, and 6 all brought simultaneous hits. Finally, in round 7, as Koslov and McManis wound up to throw, McManis faked his throw, then kept his ball to block. Koslov's shot hit McManis's ball square, bounced on a direct line all the way back to a stunned Koslov, knocking him down, and securing the win for McManis and the Irish team!

Bedlam ensued, as Koslov tried to argue that he could not be eliminated by his own throw, but it was to no avail. The Irish were declared the winners. Koslov and the Russians stormed off, and still boycott the Dodgeball World Championships to this day. McManis retired from Dodgeball, saying he had seen enough balls flying at his face for 3 lifetimes. Unfortunately, with Koslov and McManis gone, dodgeball lost its place in the limelight. But never forgotten was the Helsinki Episode of 1919...the greatest dodgeball match of all time.