The title of this post is a bit broad, I know. I'm not looking at significance as a whole, I'm not going to try and find the meaning of life for everyone or discuss the afterlife or any of that. There's just a jumble of stuff in my head right now and I need to make sense of it.
PART 1: Dying to make other's lives better.
Death happens. Eventually everyone has to die. That's a fact, and it sucks. Some people are taken from us way too soon, while others hang on till the bitter end and then some. After people die, things change. Sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. Its hard to think about, but sometimes the world, or even a community, is better off if a certain person dies rather than escaping death and staying alive. Or is it? I'm struggling with this, because I do not want to believe that maybe someone has more significance in death than in life...or moreso, that someone being dead and not able to continue on in their life, is a good thing for others.
I'm going to think back to the movie Donnie Darko (which is really sparking all of this in the first place). Oh, if you have never seen the movie and do not want the ending messed up for you, don't read this paragraph. So, Donnie begins the movie escaping death when he is not in his room when a jet engine crashes through his roof...he is off sleepwalking (for reasons I do not care to explain here...b/c I probably can't...you just have to see the movie). After his escape from death, he encounters some people and effects people's lives over the span of about one month. At the end of the month, his girlfriend is dead (run over by a car) because she was out on a dark road with him (she was pushed into the road by some guys who they ran into), his mom and sister are on a plane that loses its engine and crashes, and his siter's boyfriend Frank has been killed by him. So, Donnie goes back in time (okok, this isn't exactly what happened, the movie is way more complex than this, but this is not the important part of what I am getting at) and is in his room when the jet engine crashes in, killing him. The final scene shows the girl who was his girlfriend in the future (they met the next day after he avoided the engine) riding by on her bike. She never gets to meet him, and she is alive, and goes on her way. His mom and sister are never killed because they are not on the plane in question. And Frank is not killed because he never runs over Donnie's girlfriend. It seems like this is Donnie's intent, make sure he is killed so that these people are not. Him being dead ends up being better for all these people than if he had stayed alive. Or, another way of looking at this...it was his destiny to die in his room...and when he avoids it, its bad for everyone else.
So, is life really like this? Are there people out there who would be better served to be dead than alive? This is really fucked up. Cuz, what if I am one of these people? If I wasn't here, would the people I currently know now be better off because of it. Say I had died in high school, would Kent and James and those I've met since coming here be better off? Maybe Matt would be happy and not stressing out about things and worrying too much. Hell, maybe everyone from C building Tercero would be dean's list and on their way to a very lucrative career if I hadn't been there freshman year. I mean, I haven't had a direct effect on a lot of this, but maybe just my presence in this world is a hinderance for reasons we cannot explain. Or maybe I'm going to meet someone down the road, and when we are doing something someday, they will get hurt or killed. If I had never known them, they would not have been in that place where they were killed.
I only use myself as an example because its who I am. I'm not going to speculate what it would be like if others were gone, thats horrible. But I mean, this is all something to think about. And its something that drives me crazy from time to time. What if the significance of someone's life is to die and make sure they do not interfere with someone else's? That's not a very good life. That doesn't seem very fair. And what if my role here was to die, and I missed it, and now I'm fucking things up for others? How do we even know?
It's a scary thing for me to think about, but it does cross my mind. Especially when I don't see the significance of my life. Not everyone has a purpose here. Some people's only significance is to get out of the way so they don't mess up others' lives. And some people just come here, live, and then die. Or maybe I'm way off...
PART 2: "Every living creature on this earth dies alone."
I still believe that the goal in life is to find someone who you can love and be able to spend your time with them. It doesn't have to be a romantic love, it can be friendship or whatever...but no one is meant to be alone in this world. There are people out there for everyone to spend their time with. Friends. Lovers. Spouses. Right? But then I think to death. There is a quote from a movie "Every living creature on this earth dies alone," and whenever I hear it I think, is this true? Does everyone die alone? What does this even mean?
I do not believe that everyone dies alone, in the literal sense. People can have their friends and family with them before they pass away. Some people who die in tragedies die beside many other people. However, many people also do die alone. An old man who loses his wife and then is left alone for the rest of his life. He has no one to hold him as he is passing away, no one to be there with him. Or how about those who do not have someone in their lives who love them. Or in those tragedies above, maybe your plane crashes while you are coming home from somewhere by yourself. You may die beside a bunch of people, but you do not know them. You are separated from your loved ones at death, and thus die alone. But I do not think this is what the quote is trying to say.
When you die, while you may be surrounded by the ones you love, you are very much alone in your plight. You are the one who is dying and suffering. Those around you are not. And while they feel bad for you, they cannot even know what you are going through. The finality of it all is something even I cannot explain since I have not experienced it (obviously). But I would assume that, lying there on your deathbed, you feel very alone before death. There are exceptions, but I would have to think that the fact that you are dying while everyone else around you and everyone you care about is not, sets you apart from them...isolates you...so that you feel more alone than you would otherwise. Anything that separates you from others in any way is going to make you feel alone. Death is the ultimate isolation chamber, and thus would probably make you feel very alone. Or maybe I'm way off...
PART 3: Why I even care...
Death is not scary...I mean, what is there to fear? When you are dead, you won't know it, and you wont be alive to worry about it...so why be afraid of it? I am not afraid of death, but I am terrified of being alone. Most of the time, I do not worry about this. But at times when I find out people I thought were good friends are not so much, or when I get inside my own head to the point where I know no one else could even understand, it jars me back to this fear. My one legitimate fear (I mean, I'm phobic of bees, but that doesn't really count). I do not want to die alone. I do not want to spend my life as an outsider, an outcast, with no where to call my home and no one to call my family. I know I have my parents and my sister, but I'm almost 23 years old and will be graduating eventually...and then it will be time to start my own life. I will be looking for my personal significance in this world. And I will be looking for a home I can call my own. Coming home to a one bedroom apartment with no one to greet you when you get back from work would get old really quick I think. And if my life is supposed to have significance only in death, that is the loneliest life I could think of. Which is why my thoughts stray to that (part 1) from time to time, its my one great fear in life, to grow up and be alone, to live my life alone, and to die alone. I'd like to think that when I pass on, that won't be the big story of my life. It wont be the only thing people remember. "Hey, did you know Pat Quinn?" "Oh yeah, he passed away last year." "Yeah." And that's all there is to say. That's not much of a life, and I hope that this is not my destiny...if there is such a thing as destiny, that is (which is an argument I will save for another day).
I do not know where I am going with any of this. The alone factor isn't really where I was trying to go with this, it just kinda happened as I wrote. I came into this concerned that some people are only good for humanity dead and went from there. Now I'm even more confused than ever. I wasn't worrying about being alone when I started writing, I was worrying about being significant outside of death. Now I don't know what I think anymore. I need to go to bed before my head explodes.
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Edit: So, I didn't go to bed...I was still thinking. And I think I've decided that everything I've said above can be approached with the same way I approach death (which I also mentioned above). You can't change the fact that you are going to die, and when you are dead you won't know it, so one should not fear it. Likewise, if it is my destiny to die, or I am supposed to die in order to make others' lives better off, then thats whats going to happen. No one can know if this is their path, its just going to happen. No reason to worry about it.
I mean, a lot of what I said above still applies, and is something to think about and debate...but not something I should really worry about. At least in part 1 anyways. Part 2 is the same shit I've been worrying about forever, so thats nothing new.
I'm gonna be able to sleep now. I love it when I can write things out and not worry about them anymore.
Oh, and p.s. I apologize to all Donnie Darko fans out there who know the whole story of the movie and what is going on. My brief overview above is not entirely correct, but is crafted to make a point. Yes, I know about the Primary and Tangent Universes and the Artifact and the Living Receiver and Manipulated Dead and all that stuff...but it really cannot be explained here, or would it be conducive to what I was trying to say. If you watch the non-director's cut, what I said above seems a little more plausible...but yeah, take the synopsis above for what it is...a very very basic overview with a point in mind.
That is all.
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