Every day...

It's been 7 years...and I'm still not entirely past it.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about Chris, and what he meant to his family, to those who loved him, to me.

I tend to avoid my old blog posts.  They annoy me, since they were so poorly written, and I was so disturbingly immature even a few short years ago.  But I go back and read the ones I wrote for Chris every now and then.  And every word I wrote still rings as true today as it did at the time.

Here's the post I wrote on the day of his passing:  http://zeroindulgence.blogspot.com/2006/03/for-my-brother.html

Today I lost a brother. Today I lost a friend. Christopher Piccardo passed away today at his home in San Martin. 

As you all know, Chris has been facing many hardships over the past months. His brain tumors reemerged in many places, including two inoperable/untreatable places. Today, Chris’ pain was relieved as he passed away. 

When I think of courage, strength, and unwavering bravery, I think of one person: Chris Piccardo. Even as his condition deteriorated, Chris stayed strong. He never questioned why he had to go through this, he just accepted that these things happen, and he knew he was headed to a better place. 

When tumors were first found in his brain when he was 6, doctors were able to perform surgery and remove them. However, they warned that they may return, and after his 18th birthday, they may really explode and appear in multiple places. Tumors reappeared in Chris's brain in 2nd grade, 5th grade, 8th grade, and 11th grade (i believe, i may be a bit off, but its been about once every three years). Luckily though, technology's advances were keeping up with Chris, and the tumors were able to be removed each time. 

With this new batch of tumors that popped up last year (just as the doctors had warned they might), technology was not yet good enough to treat it. One tumor was on his brain stem, and another in a ventricle of the brain. Operating in either of these places would leave Chris a vegetable, and that wouldn’t have been very good. They did, however, try many different drugs on Chris, new medications that were coming out for cancer treatment that everyone hoped may shrink the tumors. As long as the medication didn’t make Chris uncomfortable or have any bad side effects, Chris and family was willing to try it. Unfortunately, there is no cure for these tumors yet. Chris was strong and took everything in stride. He continued to go to welding class and watch his wrestling throughout, even as things got more and more difficult for him. 

Last summer it appeared as if Chris wasn’t going to last very long. A month at most. It has been a blessing that he stayed with us as long as he did. I know I cherished the little time I got to spend with him when home from school, and am very thankful for the extra time I got to be with him. The memories are plentiful, and these past months have been no exception. 

From 4th of July pool parties to Monday and Thursday night WWE wrestling watching, Chris has been a major part of my life. Wrestling just wasn’t wrestling if Chris wasn’t there on the couch next to me, in his blue bath robe, comfortable as could be. If I came over and he was playing some video games, I knew there would always be an invitation for me to come over and get my butt whooped by him at whatever game was in the console at the time. Chris even made a few cameos in a classic video I made for senior year high school philosophy class. Chris has always been a part of my life, and luckily, I know he will continue to be with me throughout the rest of my life. 

As strong as Chris remained throughout his ordeal is how weak I feel now. Chris was not just the brother of my best friend, but someone I considered to be my own brother as well. The Piccardos have always been a second family to me, so this hurts me just as much as if I had lost a relative…because in my mind, I have. 

However, I know Chris would not want me, or any of us, to feel any pain or sadness because of his passing. He passed on in comfort in his house, and is now looking down on us from above. I want to quote someone who I believe to be a lyrical genius, and whose words in this case I believe Chris would agree with right now. In his song “When I’m Gone,” Eminem states: 

“And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn 

Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice 

Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling 

And I didn't feel a thing, so baby don't feel no pain 

Just smile back.” 

So Chris, I’m going to do my best. I miss you buddy and this will hurt for a while…but I know you are in a happy place. I know you are up there smiling down on me, on all of us. I will be right here smiling back at you. And every Monday and Friday night when I settle in to watch my weekly wrestling, I know you’ll be sitting there, wearing your new celestial blue bath robe, watching right beside me. 

I love you buddy, and I will see you again. 

I still miss you, brother.  Thank you for watching over us these past 7 years.