Time to Reflect...

I was with him the night before he died. He was sitting on the couch, hooked up to numerous IVs and tubes to help ease his pain. He couldn't talk. He could barely move. He wasn't conscious. But he was awake. I sat with him on that couch and we watched the last WWE Raw show I would ever get to watch him and just held his hand. And as soon as I sat down and took his hand, he squeezed it. He knew I was there, even if he couldn't verbalize it, and he was letting me know that. It broke my heart to see him like that. Here was a kid who I considered to be my brother. I had grown up with him and his family. I could remember the 4th of July before when he came out, and for the first time in ages, he joined in our annual football game. He was out with us running around...I threw him a TD pass. He was happy. And now I saw him, just 8 months later, unable to move himself. I'm not sure I can ever describe what that is like. I went home and cried myself to sleep that night.

The next day I drove back to Davis to prepare for the new quarter, and while I was driving back he passed away. I got the phone call when I got back to my house. And there I was, sitting in my room, alone, trying to grapple with what I had just heard. It wasn't a surprise, but it still wasn't easy. And I had to face it alone. There was no one to turn to. No one could possibly understand what I felt, and no one really tried. I carried this sadness and pain with me while I started my spring quarter that week, and then drove back home, alone, that Friday...tears streaming down my eyes as I drove. I wasn't sure I would even make it. But I did. And I immediatel went to the Piccardo household to be with my other family in their time of need. I couldn't seek help, I had to be the one to give it.

His funeral was that Saturday (April 1st), and it was an amazing service. I did one of the readings and was part of the processional. Chris had been creamated and spread at the ranch, so there was no body. And together we celebrated the life of one of the greated kids I had ever known. And that night I drove back to Davis. Even though I had no one to turn to in Davis to help me with this, I just couldn't be around Morgan Hill any longer. It was killing me.

And then I jumped back into school and tried to ignore what I felt. And it worked...kinda. And then this month hit, and everything came rushing back.


A year ago today (April 1st) I said good bye to my brother, Chris Piccardo. It was, by far, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And every day since I have not been able to let it go. Not a day has gone by in the last year that I did not think about Chris at some point. I tried to forget about it and just move on, and while it worked to an extent, it was always there...right below the surface. And while I could tell bits and pieces of what I felt to people, I never really had anyone I could turn to...to bear my soul to and have them tell me everything was going to be ok.

I've always been the kind of person who doesn't want to burden others with my troubles. I like being the person who people go to with their issues, because they trust me, and maybe sometime I say the right thing too. Incredible, but it does happen from time to time. Unfortunately, I've never felt like I could do that with anyone. Not really because I don't trust people, because there are a few people I trust enough to tell some of my issues to, but because I feel like dealing with my shit is a burden that shouldn't have to be shouldered by anyone but me. And for the most part I do a pretty good job. I deal and no one is the wiser. However, when things get particularly hard, it does start to show outwardly. I'll drag and not be myself (well, I'm not sure what "myself" even means...but thats what I hear, I'm not "myself."). I'll be kind of a downer without even trying to be. And it sucks because others start to see this, and they ask "whats wrong with you, you arent yourself," and then I'll feel like I don't want to talk about whats bothering me then, because not only would my attitude be dragging people down, but they'd have to listen to my shit too. I dunno, its stupid, but its how it always seems to go.

I've been trying to "deal" with Chris's death on my own for a year now, and I can't do it anymore. So I've put it here on my blog. Here it is, the main thing that has been bothering me not only in the last few weeks, but over the last year. And since you are reading it, I don't feel as bad for burdening you with it because you chose to read this. I don't want anyone's pity. I don't want people to all of a sudden be all "oh my god Pat, you know you can talk to me, lets talk about this." I don't want people to act differently. I just want someone I can trust enough to bear my soul to someday, and for them to listen and tell me everything is going to be ok. And sometimes have an answer or two, or some good advice. I try to be that person to everyone I meet. I guess everyone just needs someone to talk to sometimes...even if it is an anonymous audience on my blog.

Anyways, this is all stupid. If I'm having this much trouble coping with all this, his family, and especially Chris' parents, have to be having a much harder time with all of this. So, please, keep them in your thoughts and prayers. They are one of the greatest families I have ever known, and I am proud to call them my "secondary" family. They need all the strength they can get.


I miss you Chris. I know you are in a better place, but that doesn't make it any easier for those of us you left behind here to carry on your memory. I know you want us to carry on though, and not to dwell on this, though, so I'm going to try. Take care, my brother, and I will see you again someday.