Ball of Confusion

So, apparently I'm the kind of guy people like to come to and talk to about their problems, about whats bugging them, and things of that nature. That's awesome. I love that people seem to trust me enough to come to me with things of that nature. It may doom me to the friends ladder (see: ladder theory...i might have blogged on it earlier, otherwise, there's sites on the theory), but so be it. It's who I am.

In my vast experience of listening to people I've heard both of the following quite often:
"God, girls are so confusing!"
"Pat, why are guys so confusing?" (I get this one more than you would think)

I admit, I've said the former statement quite a lot. Hell, I'm pretty sure I said it four or five times today. But when I think about the statement and the question associated with it...why the hell is the opposite sex so confusing?

I'm pretty sure its proven fact, guys are confused by girls and girls are confused by guys. And I'm sure there's reasons that people have come up with to answer why this is. Maybe its because I'm not a woman so therefore don't understand how their minds work. That's possible. Maybe its because I just don't have the social background necessary to comprehend what's going on. Possible, but not really likely. Maybe men really are from mars and women really are from venus and earth just happened to be a convenient middle ground for us to meet up on. I have a different theory though. And since I'm never wrong, maybe it'll make sense.

We are taught, through some movies and friends and growing up, that the way to get into relationships and get close to the opposite sex is to play games. The word creepy is thrown out there as well. If I go up to a girl and say "hi, you are really beautiful" that is not sweet, that's creepy. Compliments must be shrouded in sarcasm or code. You meet a girl and get her phone number, but you better not call her for at least 3 days, lest you seem desperate (we couldn't possibly just have enjoyed hanging out with them and want to see them again for that reason). Intentions must be brought about slowly and with as little knowledge to the other person. It's almost as if we are supposed to trick or trap one another to finally get into a relationship. And all of this leads back to a person's pride and need to not feel embarrassed by perceived "failure."

I'm as guilty of this as the next person. If I like a girl, I sure as hell ain't gonna tell her. What if she doesn't feel the same way? Then I feel like a jackass, and things get awkward. No. I have to go into covert mode. I have to throw out comments that might hint at how I feel, and then back off them. Make them wonder if I like them or if not, and if not, why not. Think I'm crazy? I've actually both been told this is what I should be doing and seen other people do it with great success. All the while I am busy looking for a sign from them that they might like me back. Of course, I'm not really throwing much out there, so I dunno how I'm supposed to get any feedback on this. And then there's the girls. They can flirt with guys, but that doesn't mean they like them. No no no. Maybe they were just having fun. Or maybe they really weren't flirting, just being nice...really really nice.

It kinda bothers me that this is how the game is supposed to work. No one can straight come out and say "Hey, wow, I really like you. Want to date?" The person asking the question isn't actually ready to hear no, because we've been taught that being told no is a reflection on us as a person. And the person being asked this isn't ready for it. Even if they like the person, they can't now say yes. The fact that they would be so open about this is scary and, yes, creepy.

And you wonder why you can't understand the opposite sex???

I, personally, would be thrilled if I had no sense of embarassment and no fear of rejection, and could actually walk up to someone and tell them this. But even if I knew they liked me, as I said, it wouldn't work. And me just doing this on my own won't change the reality of how society has set up the process for trying to find someone to be with.

Some movies reflect this frusteration of mine quite well. Look at the movie Hitch. Hitch goes out and does some research, gets a guy in there by setting up "chance" meetings, crafts their dates so the girl all of a sudden likes the guy, and bam...oh shit, we're in a relationship...how the hell did that happen? How about the Tao of Steve? That's a movie completely based on the theory that you cannot tell women you like them, but have to play the game and make them chase you. One quote stands out from that movie. One of the guys asks when you can tell a girl you love her. Dax replies with "how about your 40th wedding anniversary." But thats just it! It's not ok to tell someone you like them because it scares them away. The Tao of Steve also makes the assertion "we pursue that which retreats from us." And this appears to be true. Back off, don't push yourself on them, and I guess hope you made a good enough impression on them that they now want to chase you? But if you like someone, and they don't retreat, but come up and say "hey, I like you" why would that now be a turn off? Wouldn't that just make life easier?

I dunno. Maybe its my lack of relationship experience (I mean, I haven't been in an actual relationship in 4 1/2 years), but this all seems rather childish. Remember out on the schoolyard? You would like a girl and to show her this, you would go up and hit her, not talk to her or tell her. Or, you would like a guy, so you would send your girlfriends to discreetly inquire as to whether the guy might like you back. It's like we get older, but nothing changes. I don't get it.

Now, I'm not saying that if things were different that I'd have been in any more relationships. I'm probably the shyest person I know, so even if people were going up to one another saying "hey, i like you, lets go out," I'm not sure it would matter to me (although I think thats part of my point. Maybe I'm shy because I'm taught not to be so assertive with these matters). But my point still remains...why do we make things so difficult for ourselves? I swear, humanity's greatest flaw is that we insist on complicating things.

Or maybe I'm way off and that's why none of this makes sense to me (despite all my experiences and observations telling me I'm right...small sample size maybe?).