Wow, I got a bit more of a response than I was expecting on my last post. To everyone who posted, thank you. Your words really do mean a lot to me.
Oh, wait, before I forget...I want to congratulate two of my friends here real quick. Tom and Kendall, congratulations on your engagement. I'm glad you two have found each other and make one another happy. I really do believe the point of life is to find someone to love who loves you in return, and I am very happy you guys have found that.
I feel old. My friends gettin engaged and married and shit. Wow. Man, how does that make you guys feel mom and dad? lol... I guess you guys don't have to worry about me...Erin will probably be engaged before I.
So, I watched wrestling here in Davis on Monday for the first time since Chris passed away. I had watched with the Piccardos on the Friday before Chris' funeral, but I hadn't been able to bring myself to do so here yet. It was good. And, I maysound crazy, but I felt he was here watching with me. I mean, I'm not particularly the most spiritual person in the world, and I'm not sure about the idea of an afterlife (although it is rather comforting)...but I definately wasn't watching WWE by myself on Monday.
I'm still inside my own head lately, and its made it rather difficult to get to sleep at night. I'll get up by 10 for class, and still can't fall asleep before 5 in the morning. And I know its not healthy or wise, but I really can't help it. I also haven't been eating very much lately. Like one meal a day around dinnertime (5 or 6 ish), and a midnight snack (usually small). Or, some days, I'll eat one meal around 11, and thats it. I'm not sure thats particularly healthy either. But, I really can't afford to go grocery shopping (or get like saline solution for my contacts or anything), and can only afford one meal a day. I guess that and the fact that i haven't been hungry anyways is a reasoning behind this. I really wish I could sleep though. Maybe getting out of Davis and near the beach in San Diego this weekend will help.
I can't wait for softball to start. Its my favorite IM sport of the year. We have back to back games on Monday nights, and I'll be home in time for wrestling! It's like perfect or something. I need to get back into it though. I played catch for the first time in ages today, so that was awesome. And I've been to the batting cages once. Hopefully I can get out and throw some pitching this week before our season starts next Monday. If anything, I'll just go out and pitch on my own in the greenbelt.
I think I need to go check myself into a mental hospital...a nice padded room sounds pretty good right now. Maybe I'd get some sleep. And they'd probably feed me three meals a day! Damn, sounds pretty sweet right about now.
Or maybe an A's game. And some sun. Today was gorgeous, but its been raining far too much lately. A nice Sunday afternoon at the Oakland Colliseum. The sun, fresh cut grass, and some baseball...that would be awesome.
Stream of consciousness writing is great. Except then I write whatever I think, and when I go off like this, the posts get rather long. Oh well, if you cared about the length you would have stopped reading far before now.
OK, so , for those of you who watch South Park, I want you to remember the Underpants Gnomes episode (and for those who don't, just reading that should make you want to watch it). If you remember, their operation's plans were:
Step 1: Steal Underpants.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit.
Unfortunately, they could never figure out how to get from beginning to end, so they just ended up with a pile of Tweek's underpants. I feel that way sometimes in my dealings with the opposite sex. I find a girl I like, its all:
Step 1: Meet and talk with them.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Good times (I assume).
Unfortunately, in my case, no underpants are being built up, just a bunch of missed opportunities. I guess I better figure out step 2 at some point, or I'll end up in a one bedroom apartment for the rest of my life (or a big empty house when I get insanely rich from winning the lottery...since obviously any job I take after college will not be for millions of dollars). Maybe when I meet that right one, step 2 will fall into place. Or she'll just slap me upside the head and say "fucking do it already bitch!" haha...
And yes, I really do draw parallels between my life and South Park irl.* Its not always South Park though. Sometimes its Family Guy, The O.C. (well not so much, my life isnt nearly that dramatic), My Name is Earl, and various movies and music. Its the way my mind likes to work.
*for the not so nerdy, irl stands for in real life.
You know, now that I think about it, I can apply that South Park reference to my life in general and the path it is taking.
Step 1: Go to college and get a degree.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: A satisfying life.
Its friggin scary to be so close to the end of step 1 and not have any clue what step 2 is. Yeah, its clearly "get a job," but omg* I have no idea what I want to do or what will make me happy. Maybe that's my biggest problem, I don't know what viable life choices will make me happy. I like playin video games, hanging out with my friends, watching sports, and stuff like that. None of those can support me when I get out of here. I dunno...
*once again, for the not so nerdy, omg stands for oh my god.
Its all interwoven: finding someone to love and be loved by in return; getting a job that you enjoy and can support you and the one you love (and the little products of said love); doing what you enjoy; spending time with your friends. In the perfect life, this is what you have. And when I look at myself, and where I am going, I dont see any of this happening. And that's what scares me. It doesnt seem to be much of a life to live alone, work a job you hate making just enough to get by, and seeing your friends when you can (as you will be working, and then they will have their own successful lives). I dunno...
And I want to respond to some of the comments I got on my last post. As I said, I got way more of a response than I had expected, and it was totally awesome.
Mom and Dad: I know I can come to you guys. The point I'm trying to make is that is is very different to go to mommy and daddy with my problems than to have someone I can go to who is a friend and peer. I mean, you guys are my friends, but also my parents. Its just different. I know I'm lucky to have parents like you guys though.
Nichole: yes, that was exactly it! problem solver! I like being able to help others but dont like to rely on others to help me. Maybe I should trust some of my friends more...and sometimes I do...just not to the extent that I should. I can go off sometimes (like tonight's post), and I mean, that would be a lot to sit through for a friend. You are probably right though...
Sarah: Wow, you read this too? Awesome! My readership is expanding! And thank you for the compliments about my writing. Its nice to hear ppl aren't completely appalled by my writing style and content. Now if I could only turn writing about myself and others into a career, I'd be set!
Bubba: You are the friggin man. I know I can come to you, and we shoot the bs on a regular basis. Its usually some of the most relaxing times I have during a week. So thank you for that.
Oh, and dan, thank you for reading. Your post was very insightful, thoughtful, and full of meaning. I mean, I keep rereading it and every time I get something new out of it! Truely amazing words.
OK, thats it. I think I've exhausted even my own brain. Tomorrow (well, actually, later today) I am off to San Diego for the weekend. Methinks it will be just what the doctor ordered. I hope you all have a wonderful Easter weekend!
8 comments:
Pat, thank you so much for your well wishes all over the place! I actually felt honored to make it to your blog, since it's my favorite thing to read as often as you post. Your friendship means so much to both of us (together and individually), and we want you to know how much we appreciate you!
Hi Pat,
It's been to long since we talked. I was reading your post and it seems you are going through the same thing my family and myself are. We've been feeling like there should be something more. Like the world should stop just for a day to grieve and show repsect. The service was nice, but it wasn't for us. You know that since you've been around so much. Things just kept going and it almost seems like we forgot about Chris. So your not alone. And if you ever need to talk to someone, just give me a buzz, there's always time for friends. And I feel the same way you do, its never a burden for me to listen to someones problems and maybe point them in the rught direction. So take it easy, and I'll talk to you soon.
P.S. Next time you come home we're so hitting the beach. I know my mom and Katie are ready, and we'll hook you up with a little hottie;-)
not sure what to do after college? that's what grad school is for! Just be a student forever. once you get to be a phd student, you get paid to go to school! ;)
Pat,
Thank you for sharing all that you have...it's been a big help to more people than you realize, who have been through similar loss.
It's wonderful the way you share what you are feeling in a direct way---and so healthy to do so.
Keep it flowin'
Take care
Do I need to drive to Davis and knock your ass out so you get some sleep at night?
As your guildmaster and friend I command you to sleep! I'll do it!!! I'll whoop on ya!!!
Okay, so I'm full of shit, but if you need anything bro lemme know. If you need saline for your eyes, say so. When you win the lottery you can get me back :)
I'm sleeping a bit better at night now, thank you. And my parents came through in the clutch with some extra cash and my tax return checks! Woot! $$$
Maybe things are staring to get back in order now...at least for me.
Pat.... I feel honored that you addressed me directly :)
BTW... SOC (Stream of... you know) writing is totally bomb. I do it all the time, on my own personal online journal. Only i tend to stick with livejournal (Thats the one I was introduced too, probably much in the same way you were introduced to blogger.com). Anyways, I had a point that I intended to get too... ah yes. Feelin' old about friends gettin' married? I hear ya. Did you know that Janelle Hilliard (now Janelle Freitag) had a baby on Saturday? A little girl. And Renee Ante got engaged about 3 weeks ago. So now my two best friends are on the marriage track and I am sitting here in LA, about to graduate from college with a degree in PHilosophy and going to grad school because its the only "Number 2" that I could think of at the time.... Still workin' on that whole "path to happiness" that you seem to be worried about.
So ya, I hear ya! Oh and I had no idea u were in San Diego! I was there this past weekend too... we shoulda hung out, and talked about this whole mucky mess of relationships. I still don't "get" them either.
-Sarah
Hey buddy! Looks like you've been going through alot lately. And seriously, i personally do not know what you are going through because i have not been in the same situation. But I hope that I can help in any way possible.
Let's see. I know it's hard to think about what you will do after college. You've spent all this time working through school, going to classes, and learning how things work. Now all that is coming to a close and people will be moving down the road of life. Personally, I'm nevervous about leaving college. Yet at the same time, this is my chance to start what i want in life. Not knowing might even be better because you'll have an opportunity to try whatever you want. I wish i knew everything that was going to happen, but that's one of life's great mysteries. And going through this will make you a stronger and better person. And though it will be hard, you have your friends here to stand next you through it all.
The other thing is that there is no one answer on how to bridge those gaps between girls, life, and friends. It comes down to an internal understanding and motivation for youself. If that makes any sense?! But yeah, it's easier said than done to not think or analyze what is going on. So all I can do is let you know that as your friend, i'm here for you and hope you follow what you really true feel inside. Seriously, your gut feeling is usually the biggest indicator as to how you feel about things in life. Listen to it and try not to analyze to much and you'll find things work out pretty well. At least that is what i've found.
I hope that i was a help, though i feel i wasn't. Goodluck buddy, everything is going to work out. You've thousands of opportunities open ahead of you. Go get em'!
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