You know...I've had a lot on my mind lately. Or maybe I've had nothing on my mind at all. I really couldn't tell you. But I think I'm going insane. Sometimes I get to thinking about Chris and the way things went there. Sometimes I get to thinking about where my life is going (or lack of direction in my life really) and worry (well, not so much worry, cuz I dont tend to worry, but contemplate) that I'm going to end up nowhere. Sometimes I look at my life at present and think about what's missing (well, I try to, but I can't figure it out...there's a void that I can't seem to put my finger on). All of this adds up to many sleepless nights and a very restless Patrick.
I think my biggest problem is I've always seen myself as a person people can come to with their problems, and even if I can't fix them, I'm pretty good at listening...or getting people's minds off their problems through various distractions. Unfortunately, I never want to burden anyone with my own problems. I think that is the reason I started this thing in the first place. By getting my thoughts and sometimes problems out in some forum, it helps me ease my mind. And those who don't mind can read and offer feedback, but I'm not putting pressure on anyone. Its weird...I never see anyone else's problems as a burden on me, but I see my problems as a burden on others. Maybe it's because I don't feel like there's someone I can trust with this stuff or that I dont have someone I feel like I can go to. Or maybe I feel like my friends don't deserve to have to listen to me bitch about the stupid shit that goes through my head. Unfortunately, though, it takes its tole, and from time to time I get restless and can't sleep, and I write until I can't write anymore.
And, yeah, I know I can always come to you mom and dad (i think you guys are the only ones who read this thing anymore anyways), but there is a difference between going to my parents with a problem and having some peers/friends who I can go to who are around my age and such. But then again I don't want to go to them and ... gah...I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
I need a vacation from me. I need to go somewhere, preferably with a beach, and lay back and listen to the ocean, the waves breaking on the shore. I can't think of anything more peaceful. It would clear the head, tell me I'm being stupid, and get me back in the correct frame of mind to get through the next chunk of my life. But until then, I'll sit here in Davis, with no beach in sight, and hope it warms up soon so I can take some walks out along the greenbelt, hopefully with someone who can stand my walks, and just do my thing.
You know, I really don't have much I should be worrying about right now. Things have been decent for me lately. I guess its just the little things that pile up. Anyways, I'm going to get some sleep before some classes.
4 comments:
I read it too.
- Dan
Hey Pat... I read this too... just in case you are curious. You are a great writer and very honest with yourself. It's quite refreshing. Regarding how you have been feeling lately, I think it is a natural thing. And with that, you should know that, like many others, I don't ever thing of someone's "rants" or "problems" as you label them to be a burden. Just so you know. Being supportive of friends is one of the things that Friends do best, and I know and you know that there are many friends out there of yours that care for you.
But keep writing. You are good on paper :)
-Sarah
Yo! PQ! You know you can always run stuff by me for an objective opinion, or an ear to talk into.
I'm here for ya if you need me, or even if you wanna sit around and just shoot the bull.
~Bubs
PS I read these too!
Ok, so Mom is slow on the draw. You hadn't changed your date, and usually I check anyway, like tonight, but it's been crazy, blah, blah. Anyway, I can hardly wait to see you tomorrow, and would love to sit on the beach and just let you unload. By the way, I put in an order for some warmth and your sister said that she would work on it. Anyway, the comment below should let you know that you aren't alone in your thoughts and worries,that people do read you, and that what you write makes a difference. Get some sleep and get on the plane.
Love,
Mom
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