Practice what you Preach and other things

I want to write on a few separate topics. All of these are things on my mind right now that I am trying to clear out and fix. Some things may not make sense or be coherant, but that's because my brain is kind of a mess right now and I can't even think coherantly sometimes right now. So, bear with me as I attempt to unravel the web of issues and thoughts that are making my head spin lately.

Practice What You Preach

"Have confidence in yourself."
"You should focus on the positives in your life and take advantage of the good things...not focus on the bad."
"Dude, she's crazy, don't do it."

...yes, I just referenced myself...

I give a lot of advice. I've done it here on my blog (see previous posts re: relationships ane betterment of oneself). I do it with my friends. And I am right a lot of the time. I don't know why, I guess I just have the ability to read situations and see the right thing to do........in others. Unfortunately, I have problems practicing what I preach.

I can't tell you how many times I will tell someone what I see and suggest to them a course of action (I can't get into specifics for security sake), and to hear back from them that it worked out. Or the times I will give some blanket advice or voice my opinion on a subject and hear back from people that I was right on and it was well said and correct. And regardless of the fact of how awesome it feels to give good advice and my ability to read certain situations, I just cannot do it in my own life.

This has been pretty vague so far, so let's try an example: A friend will mention to me how much he likes a certain girl, but is upset becuase she doesn't seem to notice him (seems common enough, anyways). I'll know, or at least be familiar with both parties, and will suggest to him that he go spend some time with the girl, be friendly, show some interest but don't push...and if she likes you it will show. And, low and behold, two weeks later they are dating. Now, I've never actually suggested someone go date someone else (I'm no matchmaker), but its along these lines. I can read situations and people, and I can make pretty accurate inferrences as to what will happen. SO, now, why can't I do this with myself?

Well, I guess first off I separate myself from all the situations I assess. I think very highly of my friends (and rightfully so), and therefore will suggest things to them that I would never believe I could personally do. Also, I'm pretty darn shy, so while I may tell someone to go up and talk to others, I have a very difficult time doing it myself. And, i think this all comes back to confidence (something else i preach). I have rather low self confidence. I do not know why, there is really no reason for it. But I don't see the good in my life and I cannot tell myself that good things could happen to me. I just don't believe it. Now, this doesn't prevent me from having fun. I mean, from time to time I actually have fun (like last Saturday at our party...that was a blast). But when all is said and done and I'm lying in my bed alone attempting to fall asleep, I look back and see the negatives of the night more than I do the positives. Pessimistic, i believe, is the best way to describe me...but only in regard to myself. As i said, I'm very high on my friends...which would be optimism at its finest.

Now, how can I break myself of this internal pessimism? I have no clue. I cannot assess myself, and therefore I can make no assertions to myself on what I should do. I guess I'll just have to be mindful of my pessimistic thoughts and try to break myself of the habit. Maybe I need to take more risks and remove fears of failure and rejection and such; like acting in a different manner to instill confidence in myself. I dunno, but I sure intend to try.


Letting Me Down

As my AIM profile said recently, I feel like my friends have been letting me down and/or blowing me off recently. Maybe these feelings are totally unfounded, but its a lot of small, stupid things that have brought this on.

~A few friends of mine, after telling me they were coming to visit from out of town completely blew me and my friends off to go elsewhere. I have no problems if they had said from the beginning that they weren't coming...but when you tell me you are coming, and then back out to go elsewhere, what am I supposed to think?

~Two-thirds of my football team bailed on me (most without phone calls) for our last game of the season. I don't mind the not playing, but its common courtesy to at least let me know you aren't coming...especially when you make a commitment. Unless you don't take commitments to me seriously...

~On numerous occasions I have asked a friend or two of mine for small favors. Nothing too inconvenient, but something that would really help out. Of course, they couldn't be bothered. This has happened on numerous occasions. I mean, I guess I shouldn't expect people, even my friends, to want to help me out...so maybe this one is my fault.

~My 22nd birthday was spent going to class and watching tv in my room, most of the time alone. Fun, no?

~On numerous occasions, a group of people I consider to be my friends will go out as a group to do something fun and never pass along an invite. I know I don't live with them anymore, but I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. I'll even ask them what they are doing that evening, and they will say "nothing in particular" and then leave to go do something. Or, the best, I'll ask them what they are doing and they will tell me "oh, yeah, I'm going out tonight with x, y, and z." And leave it at that. I'm not going to invite myself along! god... I guess I am easy to forget if I'm not in front of them, though...so maybe this one is my fault too...

In general, I feel like an afterthought. I'm, what, 6 weeks into the first quarter of the school year, and I already want to go home. Davis, for the most part, just isn't fun for me anymore. I used to say to people "yeah, Davis is kinda lame, but I have good friends and that makes it fun." I can't even say that today. Don't get me wrong, I think very highly of all of my friends. I think they are all great people...I wouldn't be friends with them if they weren't. I just feel like I'm not seen as a great person by my friends...and that I'm just an afterthought, if a thought at all. Maybe I'm just bitching, woe is me, and all that crap...but this is how I feel and I'm sick and tired of it. I'm not asking for change...or even anyone to read this because I'm sure it is quite boring...but I needed to get it off of my brain, and this is my blog to do so! So there you have it.


And More Random Thoughts...

~Death has been on the mind again lately. First it was Chris taking a turn for the worse (be got better again since). Then it was the untimely death of Eddie Guerrero. It hasn't really made me question my own mortality, but moreso the mortality of my friends and family. Eddie's death made me think of how I'm going to deal with the situation if Chris eventually passes away. I know I'm going to be a wreck, Chris is my brother. But what if I'm in the middle of finals week or a school quarter? And I've already said how I don't feel like I can count on many people in my life right now...it's going to be very hard to deal with on my own. I guess for now I'll just wish Chris the best. Since he seems to be doing better than when I last saw him, I'll let things go.

~In sports, two things. 1) I wish everyone would stop talking about T.O. He's an ass, but a great receiver. Get over it! and 2) Donovan McNabb is not a great QB. He isn't even a good QB. I would call him average at best, and I wish the media would stop blowing sunshine up this guy's ass all the time. Oh, and GO WARRIORS!

~I think my lack of modivation in school stems from the fact that I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do after college. If I had something to work towards, maybe I would be more modivated to get there. I need to figure my life out.

~One of these days I'll get over being shy and grow some balls...right?

~Finally, I might just have the greatest parents in the whole world. Its very nice knowing I have such loving people behind me and who are there for me no matter what I do or how much I fuck up. When I eventually get married and have kids, I will have great role models to look up to. I love you guys! Oh, I have the best baby sister in the whole world too. I look at my family and I look at myself, and sometimes I wonder if I was adopted. I mean, they are all pretty friggin awesome. Sometimes its intimidating to be the son (and brother) of such greatness.

~Definately looking forward to Thanksgiving.

That is all...