MMR: What Constitutes Cheating?

Relationships end for many reasons.

One person may fall out of love with the other person. One of the two could move away. Sometimes a fight over something stupid could spell the end for a relationship, and sometimes it’s completely mutual. Couples can realize they are better friends than lovers. Sometimes personalities change, people change, or circumstances change.

And sometimes, on occasion, someone cheats.

On that note, Chaz and Q would like to pose a question to all the readers out there. What, exactly, constitutes cheating?

Cheating, by definition is “to act dishonestly” or “to violate rules deliberately,” but relationships fall into a grey area. Where is the line in the relationship that can't be crossed? Who defines that line? Does it vary from one relationship to another?

For the sake of debate, discussion, and solving this life-riddle... the following is the opinion of Chaz and Q on the subject.

Let’s take this one act by act.

First, holding hands with someone. For some reason, holding hands is seen as this great relationship signal. “Oh, look at them, see how they’re holding hands, they’re totally dating.” And to that, we say, fuck that! Holding hands is innocent, and has no emotional attachment with it. If I’m hanging out with someone, maybe I’ll grab their hand when I run off to see something. Or maybe we’ll hold hands in a group, or to cross the street. Holding hands is a ridiculous thing to call cheating, and does not apply, period.

Moving on, let’s look at kissing. Yes! Now we are getting somewhere. Kissing does not necessarily constitute cheating, and is, at best, a grey area. Kissing, as long as it’s just kissing, is not cheating. Just because you kiss someone, doesn’t mean you like them or want to date them. It was just an innocent kiss. Now, when kissing turns to petting and foreplay, you are crossing a line…but we’ll discuss that later. People tend to get all worked up over kissing and making out, but as long as she comes home to you at the end of the night, you still win!

What about cuddling? This is an area that gets a lot of attention too. Sometimes people will cuddle one night, and then someone will get attached while the other person is left to exclaim “what, it was just cuddling!” But cuddling can also be an endearing thing that brings two people closer together. However, for all intents and purposes, cuddling is not cheating. As long as the clothes stay on, and nothing escalates, it really isn’t that big of a deal.

Let’s move on to something more physical, not. It oral sex cheating? Well, probably. I’d probably have to go with the thinking that if you are getting your jollies off from someone who isn’t your partner, you’re crossing the line. However, I think it only counts as cheating when you are in a serious relationship. If you have just been seeing someone for a week or two, and then you get a BJ from someone else, well, how can that be considered cheating? Also, if your partner refuses to give blow jobs, I’m almost inclined to say that you are free to seek such enjoyment elsewhere, since your partner is just being selfish. However, more often than not, oral sex is cheating.

Finally, and this shouldn’t even have to be said, but sex (vaginal or anal) is cheating. But, once again, only when in an exclusive relationship. Two or three dates does not a serious relationship make. If you never make things exclusive, then you can’t expect your partner to assume it’s exclusive.

Even the aforementioned accounts still leave some grey areas to be defined. The word I despise more than any other word in the English language is “relationship” for several reasons. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure… it’s the same principle. If I’m out once or twice with a kitten and we kiss, hold hands, cuddle, etc that’s a great start. Now, I would call that the makings of a relationship. What defines the stages of that word? If you meet someone on the street corner, they’re an acquaintance, but you still have formed a relationship with them. They know you as a friendly person, an asshole, an indifferent guy… however you portrayed yourself when you met them.

The relationship ladder has many rungs, and each rung has it’s own set of rules that must be followed. The biggest problem while climbing this ladder is that some people climb faster than others and the rules conflict. I’ll simplify this for you in what I would consider the simplest form.

Marriage
BF/GF
Single

Three steps from A to B. That’s all you need. Single is any amount of dates with a particular person without committing to them being mutually exclusive. At this stage, anything goes because you’re not bound to any particular person. You can kiss/cuddle/fuck/hold hands with whoever you want, and as often as you want. Once you hit the BF/GF stage, things tighten up a bit. Usually at this stage, the intercourse and oral sex stops outside of the relationship. If both parties agree, cuddling/kissing/hand holding are still acceptable, but it’s a two way street. There are no double standards here, for if there are, back down a rung on the ladder.

Then you get to Marriage. Did I skip engagement? Nope, a fiancé is just a fancy name of saying BF/GF. It’s a reason for a guy to spend more money on a girl for a big ass rock that she’ll either lose, or keep when she decides to trade you in. Marriage is when all extraneous shenanigans cease to exist. It is then no longer appropriate to hold hands and cuddle with other people. Kissing friends exist, but they are usually long term friends that share a quick peck on the lips/cheek when together as a greeting/parting, but nothing more.

In a word, cheating can be summed up like this: complicated. The line between cheating and non-cheating is imprecise, and changes as the relationship changes. And, even then, couples more than likely will make their own rules. But, when it comes to society, and social norms, people tend to get too caught up in monogamy, and a “marriage” cheating line will be applied to a “single” circumstance.

But this is just the opinion of Q and Chaz. We want to have a discussion here about cheating, and everyone’s views on it. So, please, chime in, and let’s debate away!