MMR: Contradicting Flawless Logic

You cannot contradict flawless logic. It cannot be done. Today I have writer's block, so I decided to invite a guest writer for today's MMR. Today's MMR deals with the current politcal mess in America, and the perfect person to clean it up. I read it when it was first posted back in January, and I tried to contradict it. But I could not. Even with all my political knowledge and amazing debating skills, I was ill-equipped to contradict such flawless logic.

So, without further ado, here is today's guest MMR, written by Chaz on January 31, 2008:


Okay, so there are two topics I never discuss in politics and religion. Conversations about those two things often lead to debates filled with so much opinion and so little fact that shouting matches follow and I'm not about to get into a pissing contest with anyone.... I'd win and you'd be mad at me!

But, since I've fallen off the blog train and not posted any recipes in a while, I figured I'd stir the pot good today and blog some politics. Discussing my idea with a close friend of mine, I have come up with a plan, and a candidate, that could quite possibly fix America and end the overseas conflict.

Let's refresh the entire political system. I know communism only works on paper, and on paper it's the most brilliant system of governing a nation ever created... but power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Herein lies the conundrum. Who do we elect as King of the US that will not turn corrupt? Who can lead with an iron fist, kicking in the doors of our enemies personally and instilling the fear in them without the aid of a cougar in the backseat? Who has so much power and is of such legendary status that the mere mention of his name causes wonder, amazement, and curiosity? Who is my candidate for King of the US?

Chuck Norris.

Now, don't mock my political thought here. Norris, when combined with Mike Huckabee, took the Iowa caucus. At the mere mention of his name and the sight of him standing at the podium behind Huckabee in support... searches and popularity of that candidate shot up over 600%. Why do you ask? Because Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas!

I could go on and on about how great Norris is, how the boogey man looks in his closet for Chuck Norris before he goes to sleep, or how if Norris falls into the ocean he doesn't get wet, rather, the ocean gets Norris... but I won't. There is no other candidate that can sneeze with their eyes open, slam revolving doors, digest corn, and divide by zero.

I sound like a lobbyist here, but I digress. Let me share insight with you on why Norris should become our King. Don't call it a Socialist idea or a Dictatorship. I'd like to think of this idea as somewhat of a utopia, our very own Chucktatorship.

Norris is the only best selling author that never had to lift a pen. He stared at the paper and the words assembled themselves out of fear. Scientists believe that once they figure out how to tap the power created from it, a single roundhouse kick can power the entire United States for 37.5 minutes.

Using re-runs of Walker, Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris can spread his influence worldwide. After the first airing of a single episode of Walker, France officially surrendered to him. I can't think of another human being able to weld titanium steadfast with nothing more than a steady stream of urine.

I believe that Norris will take a stand on the education of our youth. Elementary students will learn of the discovery of the colors in the spectrum of light. Chuck Norris discovered every color known to man with the exception of the color Pink. Tom Cruise is credited with that discovery. How many of you hated the Periodic Table of the Elements? I know I did. Norris vows to be rid of that table completely as the only element he recognizes is the element of surprise. He also is changing the teaching of the Circle of Life in nature. For Norris, this circle involves eating beef jerkey and shitting gunpowder, which he then makes into a bullet to kill another cow to make more beef jerkey.

I think meetings with foreign world leaders will go well. Norris can maintain his resolve and come out on top of any situation. He once won the World Series of Poker holding nothing more than a Joker, a Get Out of Jail Free card from Monopoly, the Two of Hearts, a Jack of Spades, and a Yellow 7 from an Uno Deck.

Immune to poisons, Chuck Norris once ate two full bottles of sleeping pills. They made him blink. He then went outside and started burning ants with a magnifying glass. At night.

"The Tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." ~ Thomas Jefferson

Why did I put that quote there? Because this is my blog and I can do what I want, but the key word there is Tyrant. Osama bin Laden isn't hiding in caves right now for fear of the US Military, he saw an episode of Walker and knew that if he sets foot outside he will be roundhouse kicked out of the space-time continuum.

With an iron will and steadfast resolve, I believe Chuck Norris could end conflict the old fashioned way. He would single-handedly enter the combat zone and watch as enemy combatants threw down their weapons and surrendered. Norris is forged and impervious to pain. He has to roundhouse himself in the face to shave his beard because the only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

I leave you with a quote, often times mistaken for a reference to the atomic bomb by J. Robert Oppenheimer. "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds." This quote was not about the atomic bomb he had just created, it was what he murmered on Halloween while dressed in a Chuck Norris costume.

Whether you support him in his efforts to become our supreme chancellor or not, just know one thing. Chuck Norris equivicates the emotion love with the reluctance to kill, so if you are still alive.... Chuck Norris loves you.